Mental health

This is no relation to transitioning but I need to blog.

For weeks I've had trouble sleeping which has triggered certain mental health issues. Such as feeling low constantly and feeling useless amongst other things. The saying 'not enough spoons' has never been more true. I had a lot more sleep last night than I've had on my own in a while but I still woke up at 4am and made myself wake up at 9am cos I can't keep living like this.

To be honest I have been feeling at a loss for a few weeks since BUFF finished. That took my time up and made me busy i.e gave me a purpose but since that has finished I'm not sure what to do with myself. I am now the chair of MORF but it's not enough sometimes. But at the same time I've no idea what I want to do to fill my time and when I do I struggle with energy. Even the simplest of things seem so hard such as writing a message to someone regarding a venue. I'm forcing myself to go to the gym today to see if that helps.

For the first time in ages on Saturday I had a panic attack at my partners house. There was a party for Carnival. I went to get dressed and walked down to a house full of people I'd met once and strangers. My partner told me to go chat to people so I wasn't on my own but it was too much and I couldn't cope, I had to run back upstairs where my breathing go out of control and I was crying. It took me a while to calm down before my partner came upstairs after she realised I wasn't there. She comforted me and made me feel better. I was angry at myself and I still am. The person I got myself to has slipped away and I don't know how to get back my self esteem back. What I mean by that is that I went from being shy to someone who could talk to strangers regardless of who they were and I fear that I'm coming across as rude. Who I am now sometimes annoys me cos I have lost that ability to chat to strangers regardless of how simple the conversation may be. Sometimes it's not strangers but people I've met a few times. People who are lovely.

I've never really though of myself as an introvert until a few months ago. Every time I see something related to someone being an introvert it really relates to me. I wish certain people would understand and respect this. I'm not being rude or anything, just let me be.

Another reason I'm agitated is cos I've had the usual guilt trip from my mother. I was having a great time catching up with my partner and was really happy until I got this text. I quote 'bloody hell talk about out of sight, i've text you twice and you've not replied.' Please bare in mind my parents were at my flat looking after my cat so she knew where I was and what I was doing. I was so angry when I got this text. For anyone who doesn't know me or my mother probably thinks I'm overreacting but when I'm constantly been seen as the son who doesn't give a shit or is ungrateful for my parents doing things for me when it's far from the truth. My mum has a tendency to overreact to a lot of things and doesn't think. She clearly could've thought 'oh he'll be busy helping out or catching up with his partner who he hasn't seen for 5 weeks'. Nope it's straight to the bad conclusion and guilt tripping me for no fucking reason. I've had enough. When I do argue with her she realises how fucking stupid she is being and ends the argument with 'yeah..well...'. How is that a good reasoning for an argument and making me feel guilt for no reason?!.

My partner and I have spoken about our future which is getting me through. Though I don't want to end up one of those people dependant on their other half.