Eating disorderly

Before I start I want to say that I'm writing this because I've had a massive trigger and I feel the need to be honest with myself plus my friends about my issues round food. Also, I'm sorry if I offend anyone it's not my intention truly and it's not aimed at anyone in particular. I'm going to try make it a shortish blog  but be warned it could be a bit long.

I use air quotes when I say 'eating disorder' mainly because I've not been diagnosed cos I don't see it as a problem I need medical help with. Some people will probably disagree but when it gets to a point where help is needed then I'll seek it.

When I look back my first real problems with food were down to being bullied at school so it was a comfort. Also we were never really allowed sweets during the week which it's fair enough when I think about it now but at the weekend my dad would get me sweets from the shop when he used to go get his cans for the night. I used to stuff my face and feel sick immediately. I'm the youngest so I think that's something to do with it.

As I got through junior school and my younger cousin started he used to have home made lunches which he used to leave a chocolate bar in his packed lunch. I used to go into his lunch box and eat it,he knew about it. When I got to high school it carried on, I used to eat my friends leftovers. Obviously the extra food meant putting on extra weight.

Trying to explain the way my brain works when it comes to certain things such as food is quite easy. It's an impulse we all have but majority of us can control the urges where as I really struggle. For example I can go to a supermarket and see chocolate/cake/general confectionery on sale and I feel like I have to buy it, like I need it and I've tricked myself into thinking I need it so that's what happens, I get it, eat it and eat it all then feel sick,guilty and horrible about myself. Perfect actual example, after christmas they were selling selection boxes off for 94p for about 6 chocolate bars. Now I love a bargain and I love chocolate so I got it thinking I could eat one then hide the others and eat them another time. What actually happened was that I ate one,sat down and couldn't stop thinking about the other 5 in the cupboard so I ate them too. Naturally I felt guilty for eating them and it made me feel shit.

My biggest achievement for 2014 is the need to control my brain and how it makes me think. This brings me to my use of calorie counting apps such as my fitness pal. Now I know some people can use these apps and be ok but I know so many people who use them and think what they are doing is control,which I suppose it is but when that control becomes obsession I personally don't see that as 'normal' control. I no longer use these apps mainly because it made me think of food a lot more and I wasn't neccassirly eating correct food, don't get me wrong I'd be eating healthier as I always try do but I'd still eat crap,only difference was that I'd log it in my 'diary' app and not eat anything else if I wanted to eat a chocolate bar. Also it made eating out,going to parties with buffets really difficult cos how was I to know how many calories were in the foods I was eating? Or I would only eat from shops where I could scan the barcode to put in my app. It also takes a lot of time to put everything into the app which if you're on ya own is ok I guess but hanging out with friends I would be waiting for a quiet moment so I could update my app. Another thing is I would starve myself sometimes cos I''d put a certain amount of weight I want to lose in the app so say I'd be on 1,500 calories it sometimes meant I'd not eat so i wouldn't go over it cos Id not left the house and done walking which I would add as exercise which make me feel less guilty. All this stuff with the food app is only things that happened in the past year or two.


My issues with food and exercise aren't cos I want to be a size 30waist and look all hench. It's never been the case. I kinda get why some people want to look like cos we get told skinny is happy and healthy but to be honest you CAN be fat and healthy, why would the media tell us that though? I know so many people who are conditioning themselves that being skinny will make them happy but it doesn't, they are so consumed to counting calories and how much they've worked out that it becomes who they are and personally makes them boring. That sounds harsh I know. I support anyone who wants to dedicate their life to fitness and a healthy diet,sometimes I envy them but I love food and myself too much. By the way I'm not saying everyone who does that is boring, what is boring is when people feel the need to tell everyone that what they are doing is wrong and mocking those aren't into their new lifestyle as then. Majority of people who do this are ex fatties. It makes me not want to hang out with people who are obsessed by calorie counting.

To my friends, I love you but I'd like it if the following happened.

• My house is  NO CALORIE COUNTING zone so please don't do it.
• Don't make comments such as 'should you be eating that?' or of the sort cos it makes me feel worse.
• If you're doing a 10,000 mile run,good for you but please don't nag me to do it with you. It's very annoying.
• Don't make comments on my weight i.e 'you've lost weight' or whatever cos it makes me feel uncomfortable and just generally annoys me that the notion of being slimmer makes me a better person.

Please see this Margaret Cho gif set