It's actually 6 days till surgery. I'm excited and a little nervous, I just want it to be over with to be honest then I can get on with stuff.
As much as I'm excited about it I'm feeling very weird about my identity. I have always felt male but like something was missing, that something missing is obviously surgery, so when a massive part of my body is going to be gone I think I'm going to struggle a bit even though I'm going to be ecstatic. I'll feel more male than I've ever felt before.
I guess I'm finding it hard cos for years I hid behind the 'dyke' label even though I never really was part of the female community whatsoever so it's not like I'm losing that. When it comes to the gay male community I know where I fit in now cos I've taken my time to discover it so now I'm confused as to where I fit in when it comes to women cos I've tried getting into the dyke community but It's not making me happy cos for one reason I'm not a dyke and like I said I was never part of the womens community before I transition, can I really feel sad over a community I never really had anyway?
My queer identity is a massive part of who I am which I never want to hide and I don't think I could if I tried. My trans identity is something I think about a lot when in certain situations, I'm not actively 'out' cos it's not an issue but I do wish I didn't have this sense of dread if you will when it comes to meeting new people,gay/queer or otherwise and telling people I'm tran. I'm not ashamed of my status cos I'm proud of myself but I guess when there's still so much prejudice out there,can I really be out and proud?
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