realisation

I've not posted in a long while cos I've not been arsed to write anything down. Anyway, I'm going to write about two things. One being on relationships/love and another on self care.

Over the past few weeks I've been on a constant wave of emotions. I'm still nowhere near with getting surgery, I've no idea what is going on at all and I don't have the energy to be ringing round all day to find out what's going on. Rachael has said she is moving out before christmas so I need to sort out if I'm going to move out the flat we share now and find somewhere else or stay and get a room mate. I've felt very overwhelmed by all the stuff I've had to help do for MORF to the point where I have taken a break cos it was getting too much for me. So I guess I have had to realise that I need to take a break from stuff and focus on myself for once. I am applying to be a volunteer at the LGF to be a befriender so hopefully that will happen.

This weekend I went away with some friends for TBA (Trans Bare All). A weekend retreat for transguys set up by Lee and Jay. Since I first heard of the retreat it had my support fully cos I think the space they set up for guys is just amazing and I wish i had that space when I first started transitioning cos I wouldn't of felt so alienated in my world. To be honest before going on Friday I was feeling really shit and didn't want to go due to my mental health not being great, I was really nervous about going as well as I din't know what to expect. It was a great weekend and I met some amazing guys. One word that is going to stick in my head is 'brotherhood' cos thats what we were and still are, I've no felt like that in a long while and I think it's partly because I am too busy supporting others and organising things for MORF so that I forget that I still need support so it was great to be in a space where I could get that. Part of the weekend is about being naked and being comfortable in your own skin which I am but I also don't feel the need to be naked. I took my top off on saturday night but that's not a big deal to me as I'm more or less in just in my boxers when I am at home.

Another thing that I got from the weekend and that was a realisation. One that I'm struggling to come to terms in a way. Someone said 'oh you need that intamacy sometimes don't you?', I've no idea why it stuck in my head but it did. The more I think about it the more I see that it's true. I've been single for 5 years and not had sex with a woman in that time, yeah I miss it but I miss the closeness more, to be honest I can't handle a relationship at the moment but it would be nice to have just someone I can be close too. What I'm struggling with is the fact that it made me think about how I've been with people I had something going on with, my
head has been that messed and so used to going straight into a relationship that I didn't think about what I really needed. This also goes for someone I was sleeping with for a year on and off, I think if I admit to it then I'd realise I didn't want to shag them but stupidly thats what I did cos i wanted that closeness with someone. Although when I ended it with them it made me realise that all the times I arranged to meet up with them and then cancelled it was because deep down it was true that I couldn't carry on when that's not what I needed. Advice don't fuck around to compensate feelings of loneliness.

I really struggle with accepting help from others, probably down to the fact that I have an attitude of 'if i can do it by myself then i will' but this really needs to stop. To be fair I'm never gonna be someone who can just open their heart but there is something that stops me sometimes from accessing help.

Thats all for now.