Sadness

I've posted this topic quite a few times before.

One that has been missing for me is having a partner. More specifically a femme. I was starting to have that with someone but it ended mutually due to us being in a different place. We stated friends until now, the friendship ended this week due to her being very stupid. What I find so frustrating is how she couldn't see what she was doing was going to have a massive impact on her life. I'm not writing this for sympathy or the usual 'you deserve better' (I hate that anyway) but as a genuine question. I have done some shitty things in my time believe me but I cherish every friendship I have and I would never do anything to destroy something I worked so hard on building up.

The weird thing is I'm not upset and I am being totally honest, my feelings towards this situation are that of anger. Anger cos I knew it was happening and anger cos I didn't raise my suspicions. We can't be friends again, well not unless she can prove herself but I somehow think she's too preoccupied.

I usually hate people who live their lives on 'what if..?' or 'this should of happened' but I can't help think what if we hadn't rushed it? What if we had spoken about ground rules? What that of stopped them?

Again, this is not being said for sympathy. I know I'm a good person and to be honest I think I'm too good to people, she has proven me right on this occasion. It seriously saddens me when people don't think before they act, how can they hurt people they are suppose to care about?

I'm also insulted. The way I feel about myself is usually pretty good, yeah I could do with toning up and losing a bit of weight but I like to think I'm good looking and a caring partner. In relationships I love looking after my femmes and in return the same, I did this with her and I still did it after it ended cos I'm a good person. Reason for me being insulted cos he is a smarmy unattractive little boy. Yes that is VERY judgemental and also very shallow but he deserves it.

I do worry that I may fall soft on her. However she is learning a big life lesson and I think I can teach myself to stand my ground with femmes.

There are more femmes out there, I know. Perhaps I just wish I had a femme so I had that 'someone'.

Hmmm... We will see.