Long while

It's been ages since I did a blog. No particular reason other than I've had nothing to say.

I'm gonna get all the sad/depressing/annoying stuff out the way. I'm still waiting to hear back about my second opinion for surgery, getting really fucking bored of waiting now but I can't find the energy to ring round asking what's going on as it's just too emotionally draining at times. Last friday I had my shot, went better than the last time cos I told the doctor where to put the needle.

Also last week I emailed Albert Kennedy Trust about volunteering for them again but more day to day stuff and working on the trans side of the organsiation. It's not like I hate where i'm volunteering for at the moment but I could end up doing cos I am literally doing nothing when I go and it's got to the point where I'm thinking 'Is there any point in carrying on?' and not going in. Anyway, Darren from AKT said he will contact me after he is back from holiday so I really hope he does.

There is one thing I don't like about where I am is that I chose to be stealth, for one main reason that I didn't want it to be a big deal and be the token 'tranny' with people asking me inappropiate questions but I don't like feeling like i'm hiding something which at the moment I am cos I've not had surgery. Not that I'm saying i'm less of a man cos I have a 'female' chest for now cos i'm not (more of that later). I just think I'd feel more comfortable being in an LGBT space than biological straight enviroment but perhaps thats down to my involvement with MORF and other trans organisations where I can be open about my gender and sexuality so when I am in a non trans enviroment I find it difficult to interact with others without myself thinking 'they know'.

Self control; I don't have any and I'm not trying to be funny or anything, I'm quite serious. Whether it's something I can learn or not is a question. Sometimes I can get the urge to do something such as smoke/drink/spending money/eat something I shouldn't and literally can't stop myself, people think I'm being dramatic but I seriously don't. A lot of it is down to filling a gap, I feel guilty after I've done whatever I've done so it's not like I do something and i'm satisfied cos Im not. Although I'm trying to combat this urge by replacing it with going to the gym which is working somewhat.

I've cut down on my drinking quite a lot due to the fact that I've not been in the right frame of mind so its probably a good idea and to be honest when i was drinking a lot it was down to habit. If I want a drink i'll have one but thats it, i'll probably just have one. For years I've had a messed up relationship with alcohol and yeah it was a quiet problem (well I think it was). I was young so most people probably thought 'oh he's just being a teenager..' which I was but I was mentally fucked up for lots of reasons, which I can't be arsed to repeat or type out for the first time as i'd be here all night. It feels good to wake up and not feel like shit.

Onto to happier things...Recently i've been feeling good about my body, although i've never felt a hatred towards my body more of a 'you don't belong to me but whatever'. With the changes i'm getting from T and going to the gym i'm looking more like the 'me' I've had in my head for years which is nice, my chest is getting smaller which means i'm passing way much more than ever and cos of that I just feel what my version of normal is. Also after reading certain trans male publications on body acceptance it feels great to look at other transguys who are all of different sizes and shapes who feel attractive for who they are and what they look like, which they should be cos they are fucking hot! Seriously, I'd quite happily bend over for most of them.

I'm going to talk about my cock now cos it's important. With all my body changes my cock is important to me, it's taken me a long while to 'enjoy' my cock due to my stupid youth and being naive believing I had to be a certain way i.e hate my body etc.. but you know what I fucking love my cock and I fucking love getting blow jobs although it's been a while since I had one. To the every day jo on the street who is unaware of trans/queer bodies I probably would be still seen as female but i don't care, my body is male regardless to whether my cock is biological or not. I'm still undecided as to whether I want meta or phallo surgery, simply because I know I wanna be able to pentrate my partner without using a toy.

Anyway,i'm off. BYE.