darkness

Sorry for the emo title but couldn't think of anything else.

I came home from Burnley to Manchester on the 29th December, it felt good to be back and be with my friends again. We went for the MORF christmas then back to mine for present giving, I feel grateful for the friends I have and I loved all the gifts they got me. New Years Eve was quiet, just me,Rachael and Jamie going to the pub then coming back to ours. I got a bit drunk but unitentially, I was drinking proper cider which is really high in percentage.

Anyway all the time I was at home I was wanting to get back to normal i.e come back to work. However I was meant to be back last week (the 3rd Jan) and it didn't go to plan mainly cos for some reason I didn't have any motivation whatsoever and it seem to last all week. I normally have one day where I allow myself to be depressed then I make myself do something the next day.

Last Thursday I have my T-shot, my appointment was after lunch but when I got there the doctor didn't have my T on him (he said he'd ge it for me for some reason). Anyway he wrote me out my prescription so I had to go get it and bring it back,thankfully sainsburys across the road from me had it in so I didn't have to go into town.

I'm not sure if it's the T making me feel like crap but whatever mood I was in last week seems to be carrying on this week, it could be the lack of sleep but I don't know. When I feel like this it scares me cos I really don't want to go back to my old ways i.e doing nothing cos that makes me angry and paranoid, two things I don't need.

Also this year I've decided that I'm going to get somewhat fit cos I will be getting surgery this year so I don't want to get surgery then be unhappy with the rest of me i.e my hips. I've been doing a bit of excerice as well as walking to work but I've hurt my ankle running so that's a bit annoying cos I'm actually getting into it. Another reason I want to lose weight is cos for years I've always looked like the female version of my now male self but obviously that's now changing with the more T I get so I do want look more like me,well the image of me in my head.

Lately, I've been really missing having a girlfriend, like really badly missing having one. I think this also goes with me looking more like me cos i'm now more male looking than the last time I had a girlfriend so i'd actually look like a girls boyfriend. I still don't think I could be with a woman until I've had surgery, it'd be too much of a head fuck for me.

Gary has requested funding for me to be sent to Leicester for my second surgery approval and funding for surgery from my new PCT, I'm hoping they say yes cos I really don't want another fight on my hands.

Anyway thats it for now.BAI x