I'm making myself do this blog because if i didn't then i won't do it. I'm not feeling too great. Having time out from certain stuff i.e facebook cos i can't be arsed with it.
My dysphoria is getting really bad. I know i should be happy cos i'm on T but the more things change the more i hate my chest. It's started to affect my social life, the thought of going out in Burnley makes me feel panicky and on edge. I can go out in Manchester to non LGBT bars but when it comes to stuff like going to the toilet i dread it if i'm with my female friends. I've never felt like this before and i don't like it. I'm sick of feeling like a freak. I'm also sick of people ignoring my wishes or questioning them when it comes to calling me HE and not SHE.
Another thing thats getting me down is the whole relationship thing, i don't want a relationship cos i don't think i'm ready for one but i just want someone to flirt with and date. The thought of being sexual with someone makes me feel uncomfortable cos of my chest. I just want them gone.
I have noticed that i'm becoming really annoyed a lot more easily,i think ignoring facebook has proven this. Also today i nearly went hysterical cos my aerials broken.
I got my letter of confirmation from Leeds today, my appointment is definately on the 18th January 2011 at 3pm. I have loads of forms to fill out and send back. I can't wait for things to start going ahead.
One thing i've learned over the past week and suprisingly it's something Ana Matronic from Scissor Sisters said when i saw them on saturday, she said people spend too much time trying to capture moments instead of living them.. It's so fucking true.
Congratulations on getting your appointment. I'm really sorry to hear that things are tough for you and you don't feel confident enough to go out and about. I'm lucky that I've only experienced this second hand, but I know dysphoria could leave my ex feeling terrible and made simple things like getting ready to go out really hard for him.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could offer some pearls of wisdom or a magic wand to make it all better. Ultimately if anyone gives you hassle for going by he (frankly though I couldn't imagine calling you she, seems crazy) then that it is a big fat case of not your problem, it's theirs. Dealing with your own worries is hard enough without accepting other people's crap, though I know it must be hard to block out unkind/thoughtless comments.
For what it's worth your comments about how you feel about your chest ring a lot of bells for me. Being a girlfriend/partner to someone who's transitioning isn't always easy or straightforward. Having a sexual relationship with someone who is psychologically dissassociated or cut off from parts of their body presents a few challenges, but these are not insurmountable. I suspect the intensity of discomfort that you feel about your body won't be anything like how a partner would see yours.
You're certainly not a freak, if someone fancies you then they'll fancy you enough to find a way of connecting with you. If they don't then they're not worth your time.
V x